Day 8: Initiative [Be Gentle, Be Love]

About seven years ago I thought it would be really great to make some gifts for Christmas. It was a tradition for one of my aunts to get all us girl cousins gifts, but we were getting older and I thought it made sense for us to start giving gifts to each other and keep it special. So I went out and bought a TON of stuff to make soap because I had heard that they made great gifts and I thought it would be better than buying something.

It was a failure. In multiple ways...

• I was doing it because I wanted to show love, but also because I thought it would be expected.
• Boy was I wrong.
• I really messed up the whole basic concept of what the soap was. I got an apple scent--it must have been cheap because I can't STAND artificial apple scents.
• I couldn't figure out the molds.
• When I finally wrapped things up it looked like I had segregated the good from the bad, thereby giving some people "better" soap.
• And the ultimate blow--these soaps that I could have bought cheaper, but I spent my time and labor and a little bit of love--no one liked them. I imagine one of my cousins said thank you--she's not the type to not, but the other people openly scorned them. I was crushed. The only person who really did like them was my mom, and I hadn't even made any for her!

This whole incident is a perfect example of where I was as a person. I wanted these people to love me and understand that I loved them enough to do this, but also desperately needed their love back. I needed anyone and everyone's love. And they were unable to give it to me because of their own personal demons. I think I still gave these same people Christmas presents for a couple of years after. They never once gave me any, and if they thanked me I honestly don't remember. Its like they expected it. Now I understand that "giving" is the most important part of Christmas, but its also one of the most important parts of life. And if I had done this with a guy (which I did around the time) they would have called this unrequited love.

So the soapmaking supplies have been sitting at the bottom of my crafts for a very long time. Until I realized that I've been afraid of doing anything for fear that I would do them wrong. And not a little bit because I didn't want to be rejected again. Seven year old soap. So today I decided to make the leap. One of my teenagers helped out, and my three year old tried to eat them. And we had a blast.

The star ones came out fantastic... the sushi ones came out creative... the purple shot glass came out funny (my teenager said he is going to use it to put "shots" of shampoo on his head, and the "brownies" and "jello" in the baby food tray? They apparently looked good enough to eat.

So I have an idea of who I'm going to give the soaps too. I'm going to give them to people who get me, who will love me for this, for who will get my sense of adventure and fun. Oh and I'm being frugal by giving them away in some Shrek 2 bags my mother inexplicably bought one year and I haven't had the heart to throw away. (Shrek 2 came out in 2004, the same year as the soap incident!)

I've come a long way. Mostly. What happens if they don't like the soaps? Its better to have made soap and lost it than to have never made soap?