Saturday, April 09, 2011

Day 9: Tact [Be Gentle, Be Kind]

This is a painting a painted in high school. I thought it was awesome except the hands...
I am a person that struggles with a dichotomy: I'm either extremely tactful, to the point that people don't get what I'm trying to say, or so blunt its painful. In fact I painted a watercolor today, and it was dreadful... now I can say its because I was practicing brushstrokes and its my first watercolor since I was probably 10. But I don't think I will ever be able to use watercolors proficiently. I suck.

I can pick apart my flaws easily:
  • I'm fat
  • I'm shallow
  • I'm arrogant
  • I'm ugly
  • I'm common
Okay that last one hurt a bit. I always want to be interesting, not weird. Not common. Not normal. Well... I always wanted to be middle or upper class normal not trailer trash normal.

And I guess I'm not. Another dichotomy: both sets of grandparents were well off... my mother chose a different path. So I've tried to be different again. I'm a librarian.

And the one time that being a librarian didn't protect me at the library was when a manager asked me if I knew people thought I was arrogant. I'm arrogant to a certain degree, but I would like to think that it isn't my defining quality.

The manager thought so.

I tried to explain that what some people thought was arrogant was just... knowing things. I know things. I don't even say it unless something is blatenly wrong... or blatenly opposite of what I believe. Or I have opinions. Strong opinions. You would think that is a good thing, but I guess they come across arrogant.

Le sigh.

I've tried to be less domineering, less opinionated... less... everything. It didn't work.

Then I thought to myself. I am allowed to be who I am. I am allowed to be a girl that used to have purple hair, but wears blue cardigans now. I allow myself to play video games and not try to force myself to knit. I allow myself to be myself. I am a good person. A goddess. Esse quam videri...or

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