Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Day 10: Spontaneity [Be Gentle, Be Love]

I decided to take my camera to church and took some great pictures of some of the kids in childcare. And when I came home the camera gave me something even better... roses. Apparently I've been living in a house for three years and didn't realize a rose bush was on the side of the house! I went and celebrated by deciding last night to go get flowers painted on my toes along with a pedicure. Okay, I get pedicures once every couple of months, not for celebrations. It used to be a person could tell when I was stressed by how short my hair was--I would get it cut and styled when I was stressed. Now its pedicures.

I have a strange relationship with spontaneity. I can be very scheduled and in format and that can last for a really long time... then I break out and go do something completely random. It is usually because I'm tired of whatever is going on around me. When I am happy I'm fine, but when something is... complicated... anything can happen.

After my mom died in October, the next Easter I packed up the kids and took them down to Austin and Bastrop I decided on Good Friday. We drove down and went to the cemetery where my step-dad is buried. I couldn't find the gravestone. It was supposed to be under a tree in the East part of the graveyard, but I couldn't find it.

There were better parts of the trip than that. We went to a children's museum, saw the people of Austin trying to break a world record on people walking dogs... there were a lot. We went swimming and Preston swam for the first time in a pool at a Holiday Inn. He went and slid on his first slide as well.

It was therapeutic. I went to a place that was comfortable to me. I don't belong in the Dallas/Fort Worth area. I don't know when I will ever get to live there again, but my heart is there.

My mother lived her life on a whim. She was constantly moving around places and experiencing new things. After my step-dad died she dated a black chef, Russian weirdo, and lesbian biker in the space of a year. How's that for spontaneous! She rarely acted like that when I was young. I think of her in phases of life... her sort of Donna Reed phase until I was in 6th grade, her I'm trying to be responsible but failing phase while I was in high school, her hippy/druggy phase and then finally her putting her life back together phase. I think that is why I try to make sure my life is structured, because that kind of stuff scares me. I don't want to be "out of control." I'm also jealous of how she was just able to do it. She seemed to fundamentally change who she was each decade I knew her...

"The danger of the past was that men became slaves. The danger of the future is that man may become robots." (Erich Fromm)


Raven said...

Isn't it funny how you see things with a camera in your hand that you never see otherwise? I do that all the time.

You mom does sound spontaneous. I'm more like you- I really can't be that "out of control", although I do leave my travels pretty open so that I can pick up the adventures as they come along. Great post!

MJ said...

Thank you for the comment! Maybe I wasn't meant to see the rose bush UNTIL I had a camera in my hand. :)

Anonymous said...

Love the picture of Preston--so cute! And your description of your mother's life-love your phrase: "life in phases"
helen :)